Days 74, 73, 72 – I’m waaaay behind

I’m pretty far behind on posting to the blog. The wedding plans and prepping to go out of town for the weekend have really put me behind. Luckily for all interested, I keep a notebook on hand to keep record of each day…just in case I forget.

Day 74 was wedding dress damage control. I got an okay to come in late to work so I could figure out if the dress I chose was actually the dress I wanted. Again. I got up early, went to the store and bought a veggie tray for the sales girls, and drove all the way into downtown Atlanta on a Tuesday morning to meet my wedding dress fate. I got there, the only girl in the store again, and I wondered if they made sure I was alone in shopping so they could deal with me. Handle me. Thankfully with food in hand, they greeted me with hugs and said “let’s get to work.” I tried on a few more dresses, and some that I knew I wouldn’t like just so I could have that contrast. I put the dress that I bought on Sunday back on and still liked it. I liked the way it looked and felt. I liked that it was white and narrow. Unfortunately, I had the online photos in the back of my mind influencing my perspective. We narrowed it down to two dresses, with Sunday’s pick still hanging in there. I decided to contact a dress shop from my previous search to try on the dress that I kept going to in my head. I am going next Saturday, which would be day 63. I hope I have an epiphany before then or at least that day. I can’t possibly be this close to the date and not have a dress.

Day 73 – Invitations, invitations, invitations. We stuffed and printed and added and removed all night long. The futon couch in our office is covered in boxes, envelopes, stamps, and excel spreadsheets of names and addresses. Zach is an engineer – he’s anal and controlling in an assembly line-like project. His attitude sucked, so I left him to work on it. There is still plenty for me to do – walk the dog, pack lunches, laundry, and a checklist for our upcoming trip to KY/IN. Bedtime was nice – tense, but nice.

Day 72 – I hate the days when we leave for our trips. It’s rush, rush, rush. I went into work early because I had to leave early, therefore no gym (which equals no stress relief). Work was all day training and hearing people talk in my ear. All I could think about what how much I had to do at home before we left. I left work, got home and changed, went to the gym, picked up dinner, ate, walked the dog, packed my clothes, packed the dogs stuff, loaded the car, put gas in the car, and waited for Zach. He had school but wanted me to be ready when he got home. Just so you know, you will never pack the car the way an engineer wants it packed and you will never be ready the way an engineer wants you to be ready. For the record, I took a Klonopin and smiled at his frustration. We got in the car at 10:30 and headed to KY, with an ETA of 4:30am. But the nice thing about traveling with someone you know so well is that you don’t really have to talk in the car and it’s okay. When you first start dating, road trips have expectations, like you will have a revelation or for sure fall in love with one another. Now, it’s just ride.

Day 75 – Monday blues

This was a tough Monday. It was the beginning of my first real work week in four months, my first try at this new gym schedule, and by 8am I was in complete shambles over the dress. Zach had upset me the night before, so I was in a mood. I was really just a wreck. I was sad to again not know if I wanted that dress, sad that Zach was such a jerk, and nervous about starting the full first week of this job. My phone was ringing off the hook before I even got to work, and when I did get there, I was already hungry because I had been up for four hours. It was a hard day, but what made it better was the fact that Zach was kissing my ass. I deserved it.

At 10:01, one minute after the dress shop opened, I called and canceled the dress order. I just couldn’t do it. They were so sweet and told me to come back in, but quickly. I am only 10 weeks away from the wedding. OMG! Ten weeks! Even as I wrote that I just dropped my head.

Day 76 – Second round of wedding dress shopping

Today was the day I went back to the boutique to start round 2 of wedding dress shopping. I was so nervous, but so glad that I was getting this second chance. I took the sales girls some donuts, you know, buying their affection for me, and they were very grateful. We began pulling dresses that I never thought I would wear, dresses that had all the features I wanted, and dresses that I had already tried. It was a much better experience than I had the first time there. They were really vocal and opinionated, helpful, and to the point. I was the only one in the shop, so I was just walking around with my “save the trees” undies on, pulling dresses down and grabbing my shoes to put on with the dresses. I loved many of them, but every time I went in the dressing room, I kept eyeing this one dress. It was a narrow a-line, white with organza pleats horizontally across the dress. It was very pretty and it was what I was looking for, except for the pleating, rouching, or streaking (whatever they call it). It made the final two, and as I put it back on, I felt like a bride. Once again, I did not have that “omigod, this is it” feeling, but I felt good. We decided to change the neckline and place the order. I was ecstatic!! I left and I felt accomplished, happy, satisfied…you name it. I got in the car and called my soon-to-be-sister-in-law and told her about the dress. She looked it up and to make sure she found the right one, she emailed it to me. When I opened the email, I gasped. It was…ugly. I know photographs don’t really do the dresses any justice, but this was not good. I mean, what will I have 5, 10, and 20 years from now to remember this day? Pictures. What are we paying an arm and leg for? Pictures.  I can’t have a dress that doesn’t photograph well. Geeeeez! So, that was around 3:00. By 10pm that night, I was in panic. Every thought was about the dress…did I get the right one? Should I call the photographer? Should I cancel the order? Why, WHy, WHYYY???

When I got home from the shopping excursion, I was once again not ready to discuss any of my progress with the dress. The more I talk about it, the more I think about it, the more I overanalyze it, and so on. I just came in and smiled and of course he asked how it went. Very coolly I said, “Fine. How’s the homework coming along?” The conversation then transitioned to him and his finance course, which suited me just fine. A few hours later, I was filling my water bottle before I walked out the door for the gym and I just glanced at him, sitting at the kitchen table, intently reading and working on his homework. He had such a studious face, and he was so handsome. I was admiring him, his will, and his discipline for sitting on a sunny Sunday and working so hard. I walked over to him and put my arm around him, kissed his cheek and said, “I bought a dress today.” And, I was smiling. Yay, I was smiling about the dress. That’s a good sign. He looked up and with a dead-pan face he said, “How much did it cost?” My mouth dropped open, my heart sank, my stomach knotted, my eyes stung, and my machine of a brain came to a screaching halt. After all the trouble and anxiety I’ve had with that first dress, and with this being the biggest day of our lives, how could he say that to me? His eyes quickly changed from hard to soft and he began back-peddaling. Too late. I was hurt, and I was on my way to the gym.

For the rest of the night, I fretted over the dress and the photography, and I fretted over my decision to marry such an inconsiderate, selfish, insensitive, financial snob. Needless to say, I didn’t sleep well.

Day 77

Happy July 4th! I hope that everyone has some sort of fireworks in their life. It’s important to keep the fire, the spark, and to have that explosive feeling of love, joy, or excitement from time to time. Today we completed our wedding website….at 11pm. It was an entire day’s work. There was so much to do, to tweak, update, etc. But, it’s finished! We are starting on addressing our envelopes tomorrow, and hopefully that won’t be as much of a task as I thought.

Tomorrow is my appointment at the dress shop to find a dress…my second wedding dress. I still can’t believe that I’m THAT customer. I’m nervous about shopping again. What if I can’t find anything? What if I just end up buying what looks okay just because I can’t stand shopping for one? I’m really, really nervous. For kicks, here’s an analogy – Shopping for another wedding dress is like entering the dating world again. You don’t know if you’ll find “the one,” or if you’ll wish that you would have kept what you had. Is the grass really greener?

Zach and I spent most of the day working on wedding stuff and messing around the house. Laundry, light cleaning, homework. I layed out for an hour because I just wanted to feel the sun on my aching heart. It helped, I must say. My Grandma called, which was a surprise. She usually doesn’t call because “long distance costs, you know.” She asked what our plans were for the rest of the day, so I told her: finish the wedding website, have a few beers, walk the dog, eat our barbecue, and watch a movie. She said “You guys are just, well, just like an old content couple.” Although she may have meant that sweetly, and although I agreed with a laugh, it sent a pang inside me. I don’t want to be an old couple! I’m 28 freakin years old! It made me wish that we would have gone downtown to Centennial Park and watched the fireworks with the 28,000 people that decided to be youthful and adventurous.

Day 78

TGIF! My third day on the new job was a paid holiday – July 3. It was also my Dad’s 59th birthday. As I dialed his number, I thought about how lucky I am to have him. His dad died at 62, so in essence, I could only have 3 years left with him. But even further, we don’t know our fate so I could really have only 1 day with him! I thought about him walking me down the aisle and I got goose bumps. I wondered if he’ll cry, if he’ll hand me off to Zach lovingly or with a curiosity about whether I’m really happy or not. I wondered if he’ll go to bed the night of the wedding knowing that I’m now allowed by society and religion to have sex with a man and cringe at the idea. A few days ago, I told my Mom to go ahead and book their room at the hotel for the wedding. She asked where we were…I knew, but I didn’t tell. I knew that would want to be close and I really don’t want them next door. I can be loud, if you know what I mean. I laughed to myself, realizing that she had no idea why I wasn’t telling her the details.

Since we both had the day off, we worked hard on addresses, the wedding website, the to-do list, our registry, and made decisions about things that we had not yet discussed. We called our wedding party to let them know what they owe, what we need from them, and so on. In one of my discussions with Zach’s cousin, one of his groomsmen, I needed a quote from him for the site. The question that they all had to answer was “What do you think about Erin and Zach getting married?” He said the most wonderful thing – and for a guy to talk about love, relationships, and marriage, it really meant the world to me. It made me wonder if I’m marrying the right relative….joking! Nathan said “Erin and Zach belong together…they are supposed to be together. When you watch them, you want what they have. After six years of being with one another, they still surprise each other with notes and gifts, laugh, and do things that most people do only in the first year of a relationship. There’s no need to impress each other, but they still do these  things. They are compatible, supportive, considerate, and they are so in love. It’s like they met yesterday.” I know there are times when I every thing he just said is total crap, but overall, this is true. We do still leave notes for each other. We surprise each other with gifts, cards, candy, etc. Zach surprised me last year and took me to Austin, TX for the Austin City Limits Music Festival. I surprised him on his birthday with a trip to Tunica, MS and had some of his close friends meet us there. Last week, he brought me home a bar pad to use at the gym because the bars hurt my neck. When he got his braces off a couple of weeks ago, I made him his favorite meal. These are deposits into the love bank. They last a long time. It’s no wonder we are getting married.

Day 79 – So much to do

Just with the one day that I spent at my new job, we found ourselves really behind with the wedding plans. I missed 3 calls from the travel agency about our options and plans, two emails from my Mom and Sister with addresses, two calls from two of the groomsmen, and the answer from my cousin about whether or not he is coming to our big party on the lake. There were so many people to email, call back, and so many things to update. My head was simply spinning as I worked through my second day on the job. In the back of my mind, everything I needed to do was circling over and over and over again, almost brushing the sides of my head so I always knew the thought was there. It was like when you were a kid and someone put their finger really close to your face and kept saying “I’m not touching you, I’m not touching you.” It was annoying, torturous, and it plagued me all day long. I felt like I was losing control of all of it. For so long, although I didn’t think I had it together, I actually did…but now I really don’t. Zach works just as long as I do, and he has homework every night. I felt like asking him was inconsiderate, so I did what every woman does. I overwhelmed myself – over burdened myself. I stayed up on Thursday night doing everything I could. I emailed back, researched, input addresses, called back, and updated for hours. I got to bed at midnight with just enough energy to remove my contacts from my bloodshot eyes. 79 days to go…can we make it?

Day 80 – First Day on the New Job

My old job of being a housewife, errand runner, contact person for all domestic affairs, and wedding planner ended this morning. I was on my way to start a new chapter of my life…our life. But let me back up a little. Abdominal cramping woke me up around 5 am and I was ill. Not nerves ill or anxiety ill, but food and stomach ill. I barfed, both ways, until the minute I made myself walk out of the house and into the car for my first day of work. Doped up on Pepto, Immodium, and Alka Seltzer, I grinned and beared it. As unsupportive as Zach can be at times, he texted me every few hours to see how I was feeling, how I was doing, and just to tell me how proud he was that I went in anyway. I know he was proud of me, and I tell you what, it feels really good to have a partner in life sometimes. I know I haven’t sounded the most appreciative in this blog…please keep in mind this is MY blog and I just throw down my thoughts…but every night when I go to bed, I say a thankful prayer that we have each other to walk with, talk with, laugh with, and pray for. He drives me mad and sometimes I doubt our method, but he is in love with me. And I am very in love with him.

Day 81 – Best Day Yet

So this was a good day. Early on in the a.m., I got a call from the dress shop. They are giving me store credit for 90% of what I paid for the dress so I can look for another. Although I’m not sure “the one” is there, it’s better than “the one I have.” I was grateful to them and even felt a knot in my back release. I made an appointment for Sunday and I’m going ALONE to find a dress. I told the groom-to-be, and he didn’t say much or seem bothered by it. I just think this is something no groom will ever understand. This is the only thing that I will remember from the day, well besides the obvious. I won’t recall the exact taste of the food or drinks, and I probably won’t remember half of people I see. But when someone mentions their wedding, I will recall the day with vivid imagery, and probably even remember the feeling of the dress on my skin. My friends do it every time I talk about this wedding. They always immediately talk about the dress. And if I’m going to do that for the rest of my life, it better be the right dress. I’m so grateful to the dress shop for allowing such flexibility.

Fast forward a few hours to about 4pm and I got a phone call about a job. I’ve been interviewing the last few weeks for a position doing recruiting and admissions for a University. They finally got back with me and offered me the position. The pay is great, excellent benefits, more holidays than I’ve ever had, and they wanted me in the next morning. “Fine,” I thought. The second I hung up though, I went into a panic. I had to iron clothes, give myself a pedicure, finish up my to-do list, and pack a lunch!! It was a little stressful, but I tried to remain calm, productive, and grateful. I finished everything I needed to finish, and went to bed looking forward to a new chapter in life. Zach was happy for me, but probably even happier for him that the weight of financially carrying us and this wedding will slowly decrease. Because of school, I haven’t worked a total full-time schedule in 2 years, and I have spent the last four months looking for a job. This has been very hard on us and our relationship. I look forward to arguing over less important things. : )

Day 82

I cried most of Monday, day 82. I can’t believe this fiasco with the dress is actually happening. I picked myself up off the floor and googled “I hate my wedding dress.” I stopped sobbing so I could see the screen, and as I browsed the 50,000+ links that appeared, I realized I am not alone. This does not mean I’m crazy or hard to please, or that I’m taking out my hesitations on a dress. This happens to people. I hate my dress and I am not alone!! It was a relief, honestly. I hate to think that any other bride has felt like this because it is torturing, but it was so nice to not feel like I’m just making waves for myself. I read a few of the entries just to see how other people handled the problem. Most of them bought another dress, but one girl actually stuck with her choice and hated her wedding day. That cannot happen! If this is in fact the only wedding day I’ll ever have, by God I better like what I’m wearing. And all girls know what it feels like to be out and about in outfit that you don’t like – it’s hell. It sets a mood and a tone for the remainder of the day. Earlier in my blog I mentioned that I could just be redirecting my hesitations at the dress, but now I feel like the dress is the root cause of all my hesitations. It is the reason I’m losing sleep and noshing on potato chips. Damn that dress!!

I picked up the phone and called the dress shop. The owner and my sales girl, the only person there in which I have a relationship, are pregnant and they are both on maternity leave. I had to talk to someone that I didn’t know, and I hated that. It’s hard enough to talk about the dress, let alone discuss it with someone who does not have the history of my frustration with it. I started from the beginning and yes, I whimpered through it. I told her that I have been trying to make myself like it, that I’ve never had that “a-ha” moment, and that I cry every time I think about it. She first explained that they never wanted one of their brides to be unhappy and that she would be glad to have me come in and shop for another dress. I said, “What do I do with THIS dress?” She said, “It’s yours.” I bawled. I mean, I really don’t like this dress. Really. So I negotiated a little, using my polished business skills and realizing how much I missed working. *sigh* She said that she would call the owner and find out if I had any options. I hope there are options. I have got to get out of this mess. Stay tuned…

Days 84 and 83

On Day 84, I was excited about the wedding. I heard through the grapevine that my ex-boyfriend of four years was getting married on Saturday – my Day 84. My thoughts were – “I can’t believe he’s getting married. Great for him!” , ” That asshole beat me!” , and “I am sooo ready to do this.” I was pumped…all day long. I was thinking about the shoes, the flowers, the cake, and the happy, smiling faces of all the family and friends that will surround us. I went to the farmer’s market that morning and even brought home a red velvet cupcake for Zach and I to share – red velvet is our wedding cake choice. It was a little senitment of what is soon to come, a little reminder for us that we have something sweet to look forward to. It worked, at least for me. I was so happy all day. We hung out and took a little nap together, and went on a little date that evening and shared little smooches. It’s amazing how much we love each other. After feeling like we could kill each other the last few weeks, it was nice to wrap our arms around each other and just fall into love again.

Sunday, well, it was a different story. I sent him out for breakfast, something we don’t normally do. I usually cook on Sunday mornings or we have a bowl of cereal. We eat super-healthy, but this morning, I wanted to indulge a little. He went to get a fast food breakfast and the only thing I requested was a egg and cheese biscuit. That’s it. Just egg and cheese. He came back with sausage and egg. Okay, so just so everyone knows, I don’t eat much meat, and I really don’t eat much fast food meat. Although I wanted to blow up (don’t judge me), I didn’t. I just gave him the biscuit and fixed myself a nice bowl of cereal. It was the universe’s way of making me stick to my healthy guns. And I realize that a biscuit is not worth fighting over, but it’s a small reminder to me that he doesn’t listen, hear, or care unless he wants to listen, hear, or care. I didn’t say anything to him about the biscuit (although I wanted to shout – “SAUSAGE…REALLY??”), but it sort of set the mood for the day. I was irritated with him and he was insensitive about everything. By the time the evening rolled around, we were both tired. Probably tired of each other and tired of making an effort. *Sigh*